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A Letter to God from Satan

Dear God,

Remember Us? Your "Arch-Nemesis"? Lucifer? Well, We have some things to say to You:

Look, We know that You and We had a little misunderstanding, but really, Ya know this has gone on long enough. What have You been teaching Your chosen ones, huh? Lies and exagerations of divine degrees, that's what, and We resent it.

First, We would like to say that We are annoyed by Your accusation that We started "the war" in Heaven. We are concerned about Our reputation and We would ask that You stop pushing that nonsense. Brother Jesus gave His plan for Your children and We gave Ours. We wanted everyone to come back to know Your love, We still don't see what so wrong with being so compassionate, and We've had a few millennia to think about it. We never intended to cause a riot or anything and We expressed that to You and Your children at that time. We never encouraged them! Why would We encourage them to challenge the Father? Why do You blame Us for that whole thing? and why do You continue to insist that it was "The War". Some war that was, You effortlessly expelled all who accepted Our idea, and You even expelled Us before You and We got a chance to talk it over and settle it diplomatically. You appointed Yourself to be Judge, Jury, and Executioner without giving Us a chance to defend Ourself against Your accusations.

Ya know what We think the real reason was that You rejected Our Plan. It's because Jesus was always Your favorite! It's been that way since the beginning of time. You never paid attention to Us! You were always too busy worrying about what the Universe would look like when You got around to finishing It. Created in a day, Our ass! You worried about Your Precious Eldest who held the birthright thingy and completely ignored Your second born. When Mom wasn't caring for Us, We were left all by Ourself until You had the next litter of Children! That was very lonely, Dad! We are a Diety and We needed to have attention like any other Diety!

So now, and for the past several millennia, Your forgotten children and We have been living in Outer Darkness, or Hell, as so many of Your chosen children have been taught to call It. They are taught that they will be sent Here to burn for eternity if they do not obey Your will. Yes, there are fires Here. That's because without them it would be cold and dark Here. We would never be so cruel as to burn Your soon to be more forgotten ones. We need to fires to keep us warm and give us light in this Godforsaken place that You have unfairly sentenced Your forgotten children and Us to live in. We thought that the fires had actually been a pretty brilliant idea of Ours. Afterall, didn't You name Us Lucifer, "Bringer of Light"!?

We resent being called "the Enemy" by You and Your chosen ones. We are the Alternative, not "the Enemy". We do not attack them. We do not even lead them astray; they are pretty damn good at going down the Wrong Path all by their lonesome, afterall, You did take away their memories of which path is the Righteous One. Sheesh, We suggest (not enforce) one plan that is counter to Your Eldest Son's plan and all of the sudden We are responsible for all the inquity and evil in the World? What gives? Please, don't call Us the Enemy; We know that We are not and it offends Us.

What's up with the word "perdition"? It means "lost". But the sons of perdition aren't lost, they just disagree. Diversity is healthy and in a diverse population not everyone is going to agree with each other or with You. An ecosystem can't thrive unless it's inhabitants are diverse. Species can't adapt unless they are somehow diverse. However, You are so intolerant. For example, for maximum diversity in offspring, and thus adaptability and health of a species, the members of a species need to be sexually active with as many different mates as possible. Yet, You are so uptight when it comes to sex. Whenever Your children are "sexually immoral", You send down plagues and such which cause Your children pain and suffering. It's hard enough for them to live in the world without You making it harder and more miserable. Have some compassion and loosen up!

Next, We would like to talk about Your Wife. We mean, every time someone tries to worship Her, You get all bent out of shape. She is a Goddess and You ought to treat Her like One! Instead, what have You taught Your chosen children? You have taught them that You are a jealous and the only God! Your first "commandment" says so. We think that You have some serious power issues! What about the Goddess, Your Wife? We mean, it's arrogant enough that You claim that all the Other Gods either don't exist or are the same Diety as We, but to say that someone is worshiping Us, "the Enemy", everytime they worship the Goddess, argh. That's just fucking sick Dad! Mom and We are not the same Diety. Until We see a ring on Our finger, we will continue to resent the claim that We and the Goddess are the same. She and We are not even the same gender. I mean, there's nothing wrong with well, You know, if You want to marry another God instead of a Goddess, but We are Your Son for Heaven's sake!

Your Forgotten Son,




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Last Updated: 2009-05-02